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Blank document lies in front of my eyes. Touching the keypad, blocks of key and certain letters here and there, just to make words which make sense; only if there was any sense in what I was doing to my life.

Philosophical as I may seem, but deep inside the truth is, I am lost. I am lost in the loss of words that I do not have. I am incessantly struggling to find the philosophy of my life. Happy as I may be, but the bliss lasts for few hours and when the lights go off; I discover there is only me with myself, I am again unhappy, lonely and sad.

There I have my lover by my side to be with me ready to talk whenever I call, but consistently I feel caged. I feel cooped up in the relationship that I have with him. In a corner of the life where I stand alone, I feel I am carved into the statue of restrictions that are over powering my freedom which I once use to devour so carelessly. Each moment of thinking about whom I am supposed to talk, and who I am not makes my head ache in frustration as deep inside I burn for freedom. I crave for the life I deserve where I feel happy and satisfied of happiness as the day dies and night begins to exhibit its grip over the beautiful and never ending sky.

The list of people in my life decreased gradually according to his point of view. His brought up style might have made him trust people less and always to come up with negative perspective about anyone he sees. But that also makes him stop me to talk to or be with any one he doesn’t want me to be. The sad part is, there is hardly a person he lets me be with. Then is it this? End of my life? If I die tomorrow, what memories would I be able to burry with me? I would hardly have anything but that of frustration and inability to be able to keep myself happy!

May it be a boy or girl; I was always taken away from that person I got close to. It is as if he wants to keep me with him, all by himself. Is this how I am supposed to live my life? Am I always supposed to pretend to be happy and be his slave of honor? He keeps tab of my Google account and made me remove my Facebook one. I am not supposed to talk to anyone, especially a guy. If I do that, it is a crime. If a guy likes me, it is my fault even if I don’t give a damn about anyone. How much can I run away from people? Isn’t there trust and faith? Isn’t there all those things which I once thought that existed in our relation?

Can’t I ever fight my own fight? Has he always have to interfere? How much more possessiveness can I handle? Is this love? Or is this a physical thing and some kind of an addiction? If this is love, why m I not happy? Why do I feel so suffocated? Why do I feel like running away from him and never come back!

It isn’t that I haven’t talked about it with him. I do have talked! And in the end, the fight leads to his drama or so called indications that he might attempt suicide. I once could almost feel that I can easily be without him. It would have been much better. Wouldn’t it be? I could be what I am. I could really be myself, make friends and hang out with them at the mall. How easy life could have been. I wish I had such a life. A life based on trust with someone, or a life with no one as him but just my friends and career and ‘happy-go’ atmosphere.

Mistakes were all made by him and so were all the things that he shouldn’t have done after really being with me were done. After the apologies and forgiving, the same occurred again and again. Still out of my nature, I cannot assume to keep someone under my control. I just can’t! Still after being loyal, faithful and all that a girl friend should be, don’t I deserve trust? A blind trust? Don’t I deserve to be depended on  and be free after everything I did for him? Today I regret meeting him, tomorrow I might regret being with him and bearing the type of torture he is doing on me.

Even after I know all this, I am not able to break up with him. Every time the topic comes up, he makes promises. Which are never been followed. If at all he starts to follow, the possession over me increases but he doesn’t do something that he shouldn’t. He doesn’t hide things, lies to me or anything that explains his cheating on me. But he doesn’t end his possession over me. He still keeps me in jail. I can’t even trust him that he is not doing something that he shouldn’t. It always happens that he promises things only to make me comfortable. Later after months I find out his same deeds through some proofs I somehow manage to find, not always purposely. This only means that every time I find proofs, he becomes more careful and cheats on me more carefully. But lies are never kept away more easily. Its the truth, the law of nature that bad deeds sometime, maybe after years come out.

 And that’s not it, I am not happy! In the end, when I am no more left with the energy to fight, I give up. He does his usual ‘suicidal tendency-al’ drama and I agree to all his terms and conditions which are in his favor.

I really, truly want to end this and be happy for actual. I really want to go away from him, without any sore feelings from his side because I can’t bear any kind of guilt as he can bear. I am the 'soft hearten' one. I don’t understand how he treats me like this. I don’t understand why he can’t live without me, but one thing I know is that he is addicted to me, and what he has for me is purely intimate attachment or something, but anything else than love.

I wish I could get a chance to go away from him, for real. I wish so, if only it happened and I got a chance to fly away from this torturous cage of unhappiness. I wish I could get freedom!

Blank document lies in front of my eyes. Touching the keypad, blocks of key and certain letters here and there, just to make words which make sense; only if there was any sense in what I was doing to my life.