Page 4

A month has passed, and so are my feelings. The sadness in my eyes, is appearing to disappear. With all the broken pieces of my heart, I have created my new world of emotions. The emotions, whom I control. The emotions which seems to bloom only when I wish them to.

Time healed my wound. Though it didn’t change a second, it made me what I am today. It made me believe in myself. It taught me how I should control myself. it made me a wise woman from a naïve immature girl.  It made me audacious, independent and stronger. Stronger in the way I never thought I could be. It gave me strength to dare to speak the truth, however painful it might be. I don’t find a single incentive to hide my story, my life to anyone, because ‘hey! lived through it and survived out of it!’

It made me a completely different person in all. Today when somebody asks me about how I survived this break up, I smile brightly and without missing a single heart beat as I used to, I can easily speak up to them about my experience which gradually became a turning point of my life. Because I don’t rue a single moment with the person who made my life hell once. The ‘time’ who was once so hurtful, is the one who is making me happy today too.

The ‘happy-go’ girl is back with her cool attitude and natural, true smile. The laughter which once didn’t hold meaning today has several real reasons behind. I found my reason to live- ‘to help people out of their problems and make them a better person than they were before. To make people know what ‘love’ truly is and that it is not to be found in relationships. When one is in rummage of relationships, they find it and believe it to be love. But when one wants to find love, they will find love only’

I got my head clear of all doubts. Today I can proudly say, I know what love is. I also know what relationship is. And my boys and girls, both are different!

I trust in my belief that whatever happens, is for your own good’s sake and that it was meant to make you a better person. The perspective of how you look through it and learn from it is in your hands. The people who did wrong, will suffer back for sure. That’s the law of nature. All you can do is enjoy your life, with happiness because its just one life you have. Enjoy to the fullest! Do crazy stuffs, make friends, bunk your classes and roam around in forest if you wish so! Just live for the sake of love for your own self.

Today I am happy, forever I shall be. 

Page 3

Being alone, far away from you is a very difficult journey that I am trying to pass out. It’s been more than 15 days now, but I still remember every moment of the pain and sorrow that I went through because of you. I am having hard time recognizing myself. Myself. Not attached with you in any manner. Myself as one.

My personality had been given a shape that you wanted. As a year passed with us being together in a relation, I started to forget what I really liked, needed, wanted to do. Soon I forgot myself as one and started molding myself as your girlfriend and not as me, a single self. Another new year was born and I was completely transformed into something you wanted me to be. I was lost into you. I didn’t know who I was. You made me do things I didn’t want to, yet I did as you pleased, because I wanted to be a good lover. Deep inside I was killed. I was unhappy. I was lonely. I was addicted to your need, to sharing myself with you. Sometimes it was just a fake smile that hung on my lips, which I assumed was real. Which I made myself believe, that it was real. I was just being nice because I was madly in love with you. I got nothing in return; no love, no trust, no faith, no acceptance, no wishes that I could have, no choice but to follow you. Deep inside I didn’t know that somewhere there was this innocent girl who wanted to do stuffs, which were ignored by the conscience of my brain. You didn’t accept me the way I was, didn’t accept my cheerfulness. I was always told by you how to behave in front of others, when to laugh and when to not. You ruled me as if I was your priced possession.

Wasn’t I that girl for you who should always be available even when she was not well, not in a condition to talk? Wasn’t I the type of girl for you who didn’t get the choice weather to go out with you or not? Wasn’t I always supposed to be there for you when you wanted? Wasn’t it like this always? Just the force and male dominance which you claimed to be ‘love’?  Who was I to you in real? Even though I always knew this, I couldn’t accept the fact and let it go because I was in love. So stupidly in love that I was ready to hurt myself and kill my happiness for your sake.

It would have been so much worth it if you really loved me back too. If you really trusted me and wanted me for who I was and didn’t take me for granted. So I decided to shut those who didn’t make me happy! You were shuttled away too! Ha…..!!

Page 2

Another new day, another bunch of memories that seem to haunt me. Haunt me as it was all a bad dream. A dream I could never run away from. A dream that would scare the shit out of me. The memories where breathing seemed the most difficult thing to do. Where life was just a joke and differentiating reality and bad dreams was out of my capacity. It was instance of my life where the fear of losing you or believing in you, not able to live without you zoomed with those sleepless nights. The nights where sleeping was not necessary to have dreams. Those were the nights when I created hopes inside me to be with you even after you hurt me, broke my heart into those pieces I never recollected because of that silly hope that you would change for me. That silly belief that you loved me. That faith that love made wonders happen.

But the reality check swooped in my life the day realization struck me. The realization that love was nowhere to be seen. it was all the possessiveness and addiction that you had towards me. You made my life hell in confusion. You made my heart ache in the way I couldn’t ever think, but feel and suffer. The only thing that I could ever accept was that you were not the one for me. It was all assumptions in my foolish romantic mind that we were meant to be. You were that jerk who didn’t care about anyone but yourself. The person who didn’t think twice before forcing your body on me. The person who didn’t even realize after touching me against my wishes that you were wrong. What you did was cruel and harsh for a girl who was crying helplessly in front of you.

The hate inside me flamed like a fire in woods. Slow, but destroying everything inside. You spread into my heart like a virus and decayed my love that once used to bubble in happiness. You emptied my bottle of hopes like it was juice you wanted to throw for years, but didn’t get opportunity to. You killed everything I had inside me, everything that was human. So no when people ask you, you say she just got irritated of me. But the truth is, you tried your best to push me away, when I was helplessly trying make this relationship work even after you did what you never should have. Now I am too far to return back to what I was. Happy.

I don’t know how much time would it take for me to get away, but you sucked hard time out of my life. I wish I could go back in time and rewind to the part when I met you and never meet you.

Page 1

Blank document lies in front of my eyes. Touching the keypad, blocks of key and certain letters here and there, just to make words which make sense; only if there was any sense in what I was doing to my life.

Philosophical as I may seem, but deep inside the truth is, I am lost. I am lost in the loss of words that I do not have. I am incessantly struggling to find the philosophy of my life. Happy as I may be, but the bliss lasts for few hours and when the lights go off; I discover there is only me with myself, I am again unhappy, lonely and sad.

There I have my lover by my side to be with me ready to talk whenever I call, but consistently I feel caged. I feel cooped up in the relationship that I have with him. In a corner of the life where I stand alone, I feel I am carved into the statue of restrictions that are over powering my freedom which I once use to devour so carelessly. Each moment of thinking about whom I am supposed to talk, and who I am not makes my head ache in frustration as deep inside I burn for freedom. I crave for the life I deserve where I feel happy and satisfied of happiness as the day dies and night begins to exhibit its grip over the beautiful and never ending sky.

The list of people in my life decreased gradually according to his point of view. His brought up style might have made him trust people less and always to come up with negative perspective about anyone he sees. But that also makes him stop me to talk to or be with any one he doesn’t want me to be. The sad part is, there is hardly a person he lets me be with. Then is it this? End of my life? If I die tomorrow, what memories would I be able to burry with me? I would hardly have anything but that of frustration and inability to be able to keep myself happy!

May it be a boy or girl; I was always taken away from that person I got close to. It is as if he wants to keep me with him, all by himself. Is this how I am supposed to live my life? Am I always supposed to pretend to be happy and be his slave of honor? He keeps tab of my Google account and made me remove my Facebook one. I am not supposed to talk to anyone, especially a guy. If I do that, it is a crime. If a guy likes me, it is my fault even if I don’t give a damn about anyone. How much can I run away from people? Isn’t there trust and faith? Isn’t there all those things which I once thought that existed in our relation?

Can’t I ever fight my own fight? Has he always have to interfere? How much more possessiveness can I handle? Is this love? Or is this a physical thing and some kind of an addiction? If this is love, why m I not happy? Why do I feel so suffocated? Why do I feel like running away from him and never come back!

It isn’t that I haven’t talked about it with him. I do have talked! And in the end, the fight leads to his drama or so called indications that he might attempt suicide. I once could almost feel that I can easily be without him. It would have been much better. Wouldn’t it be? I could be what I am. I could really be myself, make friends and hang out with them at the mall. How easy life could have been. I wish I had such a life. A life based on trust with someone, or a life with no one as him but just my friends and career and ‘happy-go’ atmosphere.

Mistakes were all made by him and so were all the things that he shouldn’t have done after really being with me were done. After the apologies and forgiving, the same occurred again and again. Still out of my nature, I cannot assume to keep someone under my control. I just can’t! Still after being loyal, faithful and all that a girl friend should be, don’t I deserve trust? A blind trust? Don’t I deserve to be depended on  and be free after everything I did for him? Today I regret meeting him, tomorrow I might regret being with him and bearing the type of torture he is doing on me.

Even after I know all this, I am not able to break up with him. Every time the topic comes up, he makes promises. Which are never been followed. If at all he starts to follow, the possession over me increases but he doesn’t do something that he shouldn’t. He doesn’t hide things, lies to me or anything that explains his cheating on me. But he doesn’t end his possession over me. He still keeps me in jail. I can’t even trust him that he is not doing something that he shouldn’t. It always happens that he promises things only to make me comfortable. Later after months I find out his same deeds through some proofs I somehow manage to find, not always purposely. This only means that every time I find proofs, he becomes more careful and cheats on me more carefully. But lies are never kept away more easily. Its the truth, the law of nature that bad deeds sometime, maybe after years come out.

 And that’s not it, I am not happy! In the end, when I am no more left with the energy to fight, I give up. He does his usual ‘suicidal tendency-al’ drama and I agree to all his terms and conditions which are in his favor.

I really, truly want to end this and be happy for actual. I really want to go away from him, without any sore feelings from his side because I can’t bear any kind of guilt as he can bear. I am the 'soft hearten' one. I don’t understand how he treats me like this. I don’t understand why he can’t live without me, but one thing I know is that he is addicted to me, and what he has for me is purely intimate attachment or something, but anything else than love.

I wish I could get a chance to go away from him, for real. I wish so, if only it happened and I got a chance to fly away from this torturous cage of unhappiness. I wish I could get freedom!

Blank document lies in front of my eyes. Touching the keypad, blocks of key and certain letters here and there, just to make words which make sense; only if there was any sense in what I was doing to my life.